Dear Old Self!!!

Dear Old Self, it has been a long time since we have talked. Your silence even to your inner thoughts is really deafening. Are you okay? Why is it so hard to open up – or at least to yourself? Just allowing yourself to feel everything, letting emotions play out and not be such an emotionless creature. I know you been through the worst and you bury it in your deep depths and at the back of your mind. Daddy died when you were just an infant, neglect from your blood, you weren’t born with a silver spoon, heartbreaks, and fear of losing what is left of your family ties you down. 

"Suppress it, suppress it", you tell yourself. Wearing them out of sight, out of mind mentality with pride. As long it is not visible you bury it and choose what to remember. The bad experience and pain are evaded at any cost, of all that, it has left you on a defensive mode and a runner. It has become your defensive mechanism to protect what is left of your heart. Your search in the depths of our childhood memories but of no avail. Just little bits of the good memories – the puzzle is left uncompleted.

Let’s talk about 'Amare' melanin. You are loved deeply and deserve good things in life. Please don’t forget that, embrace your pain – shed the tears they wash away the sorrow. Holding it in only make you bitter, insecure and defensive. Try working through the pain. I know you are a runner when you have the slightest glimpse of uncertainty, inconsistency or a chance of getting hurt you take a run for your money. 

Live through them, learn and take it as a lesson. The moment you run away without learning the lesson you were supposed to take away from the experience you are only diverting and taking the long way to your life lesson. It will come back dressed in different clothing but with the same intentions. That moment when you feel like you are stuck in yourself, everything is familiar and monotonous – the things you said you divorcing yourself from creep up.

Look in the mirror, beyond the face – the facade of confidence and being strong. Telling yourself, "I’m strong, it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t cause it and it can happen to anyone." I feel you, they did that to you but somehow you are to blame.

 "She is defensive, she is cold and she runs away" yet no one cares to realize the pain that broke you. 

Being who you are is what makes you feel safe and in control. But I’m coming to you as a rational you, just the two of us, the person you are but evade to be. Be at peace with your pain and let yourself blossom – eliminate the facade that you have been living in.

Note that only when you stop avoiding discomfort and allow yourself to be completely vulnerable and exposed, you find true freedom. It is pain that fuels your growth.