The Haunt

Ouch! That hurts. Why did you have to do that?

To instill wisdom in that thick head of yours. Why did you go behind my back about my illness? 

What did you have me do? You left me with no option. You chose to hide in your head and shut me out.

I wanted to help. I really did but you made helping you so hard. I had to tell him about it. After all he is your fiance, were you going to keep it from him forever?

I had to do what a good best friend does - meddling in your business and am not sorry I did it if at all doing that is helping you. So, if doing it again will earn me another knock on my head then well go ahead.

Am so done with you. I hate having a snitch as a best friend.

Oh my! That hurt so bad. I felt my legs being lifted off the ground into the air and then brought down again at a pace I could not handle which made me clutch to the ground for support.

It was too much to comprehend. Why would Latavia do this to me? I was only trying to help her. She has been having too many episodes for the past months and whenever she would, she would come stay with me at home and hide away from her fiance.

I think she has schizophrenia because whenever she gets melt downs she looks for the nearest spot to hang her favourite blue rope to completely take her life. Am glad am always in time to stop her and interfere with her suicidal thoughts and acts, but it had also taken a toll on me. Who knows what could happen if at all I didn't get to her so fast.

I wanted to get her help but she would not let me. She does not want to confide in me of what exactly happened to her or what exactly triggers these various episodes. Am only left to speculate yet that's not the right thing to do.

I one time heard her shouting for help and crawling on the ground like something or rather someone was after her, pulling her to their side. I watched her battle with uncontrollable tears and enough was enough.

The next day when I tried to ask her about it. She blew it off as if it was nothing. How can it be nothing yet she was so troubled? From that day onwards she avoided me because she was scared I would try getting the words from her. I had to get help from someone and the best person to talk to was Benon her fiance. Atleast someone had to make her talk and come out of that shell she had so much sheltered herself with.

If she nolonger wants me in her life, I will go but I know I have done the right thing. She can choose to push me away as far as she wants but I will always be there for her. What are best friends for if they can't stick around in times of trouble?

Even on the sidelines am going to see that we figure out what is going on in her head. This has to stop. It pains me to find her breaking down in the office hallway or even in the restroom and when I go to her to ease the pain away, she pushes me away so easily like I have never mattered in her life.

After two weeks of the breakup I never embraced, Benon called me with sad news. She was diagnosed with Schizophrenia as I guessed and feared. According to her sessions with the psychiatric, all this started when she was sexually abused and beaten countless times by her aunt's brother-in-law when she was a young girl. The beatings only came whenever she would try to fight off her tormentor.

Each time he forced himself on her, he would tell her of how she was not all that beautiful that's why she was not meant to fight him off. He told her all nasty things that always made her to feel filthy and undeserving of life. This is one of the reasons to why she gets suicidal most times she is faced with these episodes.

Oh dear, how I wish I can take the pain away. When I asked of what could have triggered such thoughts, he told me that she had opened up that whenever she felt insecure, lacking or not good enough, she would be pulled back to the past hence the need to end her life.

Whenever she felt that she was not beautiful, that she didn't deserve good things or if she did a mistake at work and was rebuked about it, some feelings of unworthiness would bombard her mind.

I know it's going to be a long ride with different experiences but am going to be there for her, whether she wants me or not. She needs the best friend in me and I need my girl on her feet again. We are in this together. Atleast now we know she is a schozophrenic but we have got the best support to keep her going. She is a fighter I don't doubt that despite the wierd moments to take her own life. We will get past this. 

Am grateful I brought the situation to Benon's knowledge. He has been the perfect husband to be that a woman could ask for and I know that even when they get married, Latavia will be in safe and protective hands. 

We are now on talking terms and that's a good start. Just praying she confides in me her fears when they come to her. All I want is what is best for her that even when she tells me to keep off, I won't because I know what friends are for - we are not only available in happy moments but also share the sad and terrifying moments together with a mind that we will beat whatever the challenge is. 

Read more articles by Joanita Rebecca Mbeiza here.