IN HER THOUGHTS

I never thought it could be me; My heart dropped, I couldn't breath Everything froze, I could hear voices from a distance I fell down five feet where only my thoughts -re grets and shame haunted me more than the thought it was me I promised myself as a little girl, grow up and always take care of yourself Was so blameless, it seemed attainable for a girl that was driven by goals Or was it stubbornness that I had to be better Abounded at 2, I promised myself I will never need my oppressors That I will never confirm their vile thoughts against me That I had the willpower to write my own story Now years later all I have is tears of regret, replaying scenarios of how I could have done it better. The next thing I remember  I was gasping for air as if my life depended on it My sheets drenched in a pool of sweat, my crooked lips parted with a shout for help That's when I realised it was only a dream I promised myself this particular dream I will never make it come to true.

Ouch! That hurts. Why did you have to do that? To instill wisdom in that thick head of yours. Why did you go behind my back about my illness?  What did you have me do? You left me with no option. You chose to hide in your head and shut me out. I wanted to help. I really did but you made helping you so hard. I had to tell him about it. After all he is your fiance, were you going to keep it from him forever? I had to do what a good best friend does - meddling in your business and am not sorry I did it if at all doing that is helping you. So, if doing it again will earn me another knock on my head then well go ahead. Am so done with you. I hate having a snitch as a best friend. Oh my! That hurt so bad. I felt my legs being lifted off the ground into the air and then brought down again at a pace I could not handle which made me clutch to the ground for support. It was too much to comprehend. Why would Latavia do this to me? I was only trying to help her. She has been having too many ep...

📸Houcine Ncib  And if they ask me what heaven looks like, I will tell them that heaven – my heaven is a semi sweet bottle of Lambrusco with you after a busy Friday at work. My heaven is chicken wings and pork ribs for breakfast. My heaven is in lending you a hand, an ear, a shoulder, heck it’s in giving you a kidney if you are to ever need one. My heaven is here, my heaven was here, my heaven was passionate, she was profound and powerful, my heaven was in the way we could have full conversations without speaking a word, it was in you making me laugh. They say that every time God yawns, a star is born into the night sky, every time he sneezes a miracle takes place. You were all of that to me – a miracle, a star so bright you blinded me of my imperfections. You did your very best to hide my imperfections from the world, to protect me from the bullies, to seal the cracks in my boat and create a heaven for me here on earth. You showed me the beauty within the beast that I was, you t...

📸 Thought Catalog There was a time I would toss and turn at night and listen to my heartache. I had a lot of questions because we were happy and inseparable. But then everything happened too fast and it felt like I was forcing things. I have never openly told anyone about how your disappearing act broke me. You were my best friend and I loved you as my sister.  If we were to meet today, I would ask you to explain to me what went wrong? I thought you would be my maid of honour on my wedding day, I thought we would raise our kids together, I thought..... we would have each other's back until the end.  You were a part of my life and I am grateful to have met you. I cannot erase those memories we shared because we smiled and laughed together. Thank you for being a part of my life for a season. I hope you are happy and healthy. You deserve to live your best life. There was a time I thought I would struggle without you in my life. But when you walked away or ghosted me I suffered f...

📸 Bronwyn Janse   Meeting new people is an experience A glorified experience at that, it’s the hopes in your cheeks that make you smile uncontrollably The pure experience of acceptance and genuine connection in  the eyes of a stranger You meet someone for some inexplicable reason It’s unexpected but yet surprisingly delightful   Though some are for a season and some for a lifetime Time runs out and the sun burns late Why don't we talk about the pain of friendships breakups? A bond that was once strong, being vulnerable and open up How they become so dear then quickly turn into a stranger   Perhaps this person was only supposed to carry us through a season Or sent for a higher purpose or lesson They say the reason for people’s presence will become clear in due time. But still it hurts when they go away, how can you un-know every memory and their existence? But if incarnation would be true I’d would like to meet you again Just one m...

  📸 Jakob Owens “How come you are no longer active on Instagram?” I asked. “I deactivated my Instagram account,” She said. “Why?” I probed “Looking at other people’s perfect lives and perfect bodies was making me depressed.” She said. I went on to tell her that she should not have to compare herself with other people online. No one’s life is as perfect as it seems. As individuals, we need to be able to decipher between reality and a façade. There are applications where people edit pictures to get that perfect body, perfect face and glowing skin (not forgetting the use of filters). So why would you compare yourself to the thousands of people using applications to perfect their lives? When you look around at the reality, you see that almost everyone has a body part that they are insecure about. When we sit most of our stomachs fold, we have back fat, and not every woman is blessed with a big behind. I am not in denial that there are people with perfect bodies. But, the s...

📸 Marie-Michele Bouchard   Our little conversations always carry the weight I wish the eyes would acknowledge. We keep muttering and playing with our words: you are enough but, we can not seem to convince the mind. We grew up a chubby baby for most of our life, sly comments here and there, but that is what was familiar and defined us. As we blossomed, our love grew. The height balanced out weight, whilst the weight balanced out the boobs. We were picture perfect. A sudden extreme change in our relationship came with an untimely illness that complicated our relationship. I will not deny it. I had and still have difficulties paying attention. It was a stranger, and Mama taught me never to talk to strangers. It was new territory. I felt lost. People always whispered I should lose weight but what "should" have been a dream turned my life into a nightmare. Even after preparing, many people would still be surprised when the changes crop up. It was my reality. The changes in our bo...

📸 Feeh Costa Self-care has become trendy. The hype around it has changed the meaning and true intent of the term. Some top executives or marketing gurus see it as a chance to sell. The idea of self-awareness is being wrapped with so many attractive words to sell products in the wellness world. Self-care is not a magic bullet to solve all of your problems. I am all for looking after ourselves, but the problem is we get entitled to take more time out than we should. The danger we forget we exist in a world that we can never control. "Modern self-care is often touted as pampering yourself to escape the chaos of everyday life. Like I did, many people who feel anxious or become anxious due to everyday life look into self-care ideas as an escape from how they currently feel." Yes, it might help, but it is a temporary fix. People self-care through take-away, secluding themselves (like the world will disappear), or taking a walk. All these ideas will make you feel temporarily please...

De'Andre Bush Even when I receive hatred in the guise of love, I welcome it. My lowliness convinces me that is more than enough. Maybe if I loved the man in the mirror, me, I would find love fulfilling. Have you ever wondered how people are in love, but it is never you? Why they do not love back and are difficult to love? I know it is wrong and questionable, but I cannot help to wonder. Why do they receive affection and emotion when they have corrupt souls or no soul at all. Have you ever felt like this before? You look at yourself and convince yourself that it should be me in their position to receive the passion, infatuation, and romance for you are a better or less sinful human being. Then you find yourself not receiving the love from whoever you lust or desire it from and fail to even receive love from yourself.  You fell in too deep into the narrative it should be and create unrealistic expectations. In the end, you subject yourself to a reality where you cannot receive love f...

Julian Myles Loyalty is one of the characteristics that tops everyone's list for someone to have within a relationship. It is an act of freedom where you choose who and what to give your commitment, respect, and affection. Unfortunately, it has become increasingly harder to differentiate between being loyal and taking unlimited, unnecessary pain.  Loyalty is a fascinating, profound concept that goes way beyond trust. But have you ever wondered, "Am I loyal to a fault in my relationships?" Before you can be firmly respectful towards others, you have to respect yourself. People believe that being loyal applies to other people or never being unfaithful to your partner. It means so much more than that - it means being true to yourself, a team player, being there in the best way you can and standing by your love. And never take advantage of the relationship.  Read the last paragraph, never taking advantage of the relationship! It goes both ways in all relationships at work, fr...

Have you ever sat down, looked at yourself in amazement and disgust at the same time? Feeling awful about yourself and wondering how you became what you are now. When some time back, you despised your current state of mind and attitude. Then you eventually became a monster unknowingly even though you felt the change within. Looking deep into yourself and realizing all there is an abyss of void. You convince yourself to trade the abys for darkening your depression, creating a monster. Now you ask yourself “Was I meant to become a monster, or I am one?” I believe at some point I used to have human affection, emotions and feelings. Or maybe I thought I did. I think I used to love till I realized it was mediocre infatuation. Even if I loved, I am now aware that I would have passionately consumed the ones I love with hatred for I was gradually becoming a monster. I became an internal monster to myself, then an external monster to those who surround me.  “Love thy neighbour as you love t...

Everything we do or say is a statement of ourselves to the world. It is a manifestation of self. Wasting a moment is not an option or taking action without reason behind it. The attention to yourself and the detail of your surroundings should be impeccable. Do you ever observe yourself for a day and ask the tough questions. Why do you do things the way you do? Is there a logic, an order to it? If there is not, what is its purpose? Finding purpose is key to finding satisfaction and know that you are doing all that you can to get where you want to go. Everything we do is a statement. So next time, remember to make sure there is logic behind every single action. It gives everything a purpose. It is the key to finding value and satisfaction in our lives. By looking at what you do and why you do it, you become more aware of yourself. Yes, input from friends or family can be phenomenal, but often we rely too heavily on our friends or family when making decisions. Before we know it, we do n...