Mental Health Chronicles With Asher| The Monster You've Became

The Monster You Became

Have you ever sat down, looked at yourself in amazement and disgust at the same time? Feeling awful about yourself and wondering how you became what you are now. When some time back, you despised your current state of mind and attitude. Then you eventually became a monster unknowingly even though you felt the change within. Looking deep into yourself and realizing all there is an abyss of void. You convince yourself to trade the abys for darkening your depression, creating a monster. Now you ask yourself “Was I meant to become a monster, or I am one?”

I believe at some point I used to have human affection, emotions and feelings. Or maybe I thought I did. I think I used to love till I realized it was mediocre infatuation. Even if I loved, I am now aware that I would have passionately consumed the ones I love with hatred for I was gradually becoming a monster. I became an internal monster to myself, then an external monster to those who surround me. 

“Love thy neighbour as you love thyself” slowly turned to “Hate thy neighbour as you hate thyself.” A caricature of self despise and disgust. I devoured all human affection and emotions inside me to build resilience, to protect myself from the pain of this world. I found myself inflicting the same pain sevenfold unto others.  Yet I ask myself am I a monster or they made me one?

I have painted the “Weak people have a heart” ideology in my heart. Even when I show compassion, I fail to feel the compassion I have extended. Now my mind dismally counsels my heart to show love, but my heart is aware that my mind never knew love.  Now my mind takes me on a depression journey where suicide is the only destination. I cannot feel or rather I do not know how to feel. All I am is a monster and I have accepted my fate.

In the dark and at the crack of dawn I am reminded of the empty void inside me.  My contentment has me giggling in the dark of dawn then chucking at sunrise in satisfaction of my hatred. An abyss of a void inside me. If I do not answer to its call I am destined a depressed monster on its road to suicide. The charm of it is I have begun to find joy in it than happiness. Satisfied with being void and depressed to inflicting pain on myself and excruciate others.

Maybe I was meant to be monster or they made me one? I was groomed with tough love that culminated into lack compassion and human affection. That is why I see kindness and love to be weak. Even at times when I show compassion and fail to feel the compassion, I despise myself. Showing compassion is a reflection that I am not as empty as much as I convinced myself.

Even the Devil with all his hatred loves sin. That is the  only form of love it knows. Hatred!
 

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