Anxiety Told Me I Wasn't Good Enough!

  

The struggle with anxiety can be raw, scary, and debilitating. Panic, worry, darkness closing on you and having a little voice inside your head telling you of what could go wrong and how it is all your fault. 

 

Anxiety is both a mental and physical state of negative expectation. Mentally it is characterized by increased arousal and apprehension tortured into distressing worry and physically by unpleasant activation of multiple body systems—all to facilitate response to an unknown danger, whether real or imagined. - Psychology Today

It is an internal battle, and not everyone knows what is going on in your head. You would be thinking, can you not hear my silent screams? So loud they echo in your dreams.

My experience with anxiety had a great deal to do with feelings of not being good enough or making the cut. I fear waking up and thinking of all the things that could wrong. I fear I would never be a good enough daughter, sister, friend, partner, writer, and so much more. Anxiety constantly tells me I need more: whether it is money, to work more, or to love more. I end up throwing myself at everything, from my to-do list,  being extra when loving my partner, or being overly invested with my friends. But, it is never enough.

It tells me if they do not love you the way I think I want to be loved, comment on my work or check up on me as much as I do, it is my fault. I end up shutting down and coming back from that state of mind is difficult. Anxiety demands that I watch and worry about everything I do. And I listen.

I listen to anxiety and remain alert of my shortcomings even when I am doing something right or things are going well. I listen to every word, I do not know whether it is a curse or blessing. I remember every word and tone used, it is my lullaby. When I put myself out to the world, anxiety yells back all the negativity that has been thrown at me and remind me that I would fail because I was Too stupid. Too annoying. Too talkative. Too quiet. Too incapable. Too inept. Too incompetent. Anxiety tells  me that people are judging me and that I constantly fall short.

How do you know you have anxiety?

Anxiety declares itself not just with endless loops of worry but with heart-pounding discomfort in the body, from general jumpiness and trembling to ring in the ears and shortness of breath. Common anxiety signs and symptoms include:

• Feeling nervous, restless or tense
• Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom
• Having an increased heart rate
• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)
• Sweating
• Trembling
• Feeling weak or tired
• Trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other than the present worry
• Having trouble sleeping
• Experiencing gastrointestinal (GI) problems
• Having difficulty controlling worry
• Having the urge to avoid things that trigger anxiety

How do you treat it?

Psychotherapy alone can help successfully deal with anxiety. Some might get medication but, what I do in my case is constant lifestyle shifts. I have mild anxiety but, if you are suffering from moderate to severe depression or anxiety, I advise you also seek professional help right away. Lifestyle changes play a role in long-term management. When worries get out of control: I do exercise, take deep breaths, and do meditation to calm myself down. Music works magic most times.

It is not going to be a quick fix. Hear it from me, my palms still sweat when I do presentations, my heart pounds whenever I click the publish button on my blog. But I am slowly allowing my mind, my thoughts, and myself to live in the present moment. Be self-aware and know what I want, what I am worth and my capability.