Sexuality Talk| From A Man's Perspective

Is it true that “sexual freedom for women threatens the foundations of civilization?”

Why is it common to construct men as promiscuous by nature and label women as a prostitute when they do the same? 

Society understands when men engage in polygamy and extra-marital relationships as evident in sayings varume imbwa or amadoda izinja (‘men are dogs’) in Shona and Ndebele respectively. Women are expected to exercise sexual restraint or suppress their feelings yet they have desires that are, at times, uncontrollable too. 

Virtue and sexual honesty as exemplified in motherhood and wifehood are viewed as admirable feminine qualities (Spronk 2005) yet admirable husbands may have multiple wives or extramarital relations. Patriarchy is the malefactor perpetrating this set up as modus operandi. 

There is dire need to deconstruct patriarchal fallacies about sexuality in Zimbabwe and raise questions about the future. Should we continuously be defined and restricted by its ordinances or we should go with democracy civilization and modernity?

In patriarchal Africa, a woman should express her sexuality only through her husband in a marriage. If she expresses herself through a lover in courtship, in a friend with benefits relationship or partnership of mutual pleasuring she is labelled and crucified for it. 

Samantha Musa aka MissRed was unfairly crucified by Shadaya Tawona on the Golgotha of Twitter in April 2020 for being a single mother raising two children alone. The attack was unfair and uninformed yet intended to harm the phenomenal lady who did nothing wrong to deserve the predicament.  

The incident is not isolated, it highlights the massive injustice in society. Society others single mothers and term them "mvana" or "umazakhela" in Shona and Ndebele respectively. As if the name-calling is not enough, bachelors are discouraged and even punished by their families for marrying single mothers ‘aroora chembere’ (he married an old woman.)

Society forgets the critical factor that some of the single mothers were wronged or dumped by men who could as well be their fathers, sons or kinsmen. Zimbabwe should end the stigma attached to single mothers and treat them the same as they treat single fathers who seem to always find love or (re)marry single women.

Over the years, an excessive sexual desire among women has been seen as madness, demon possession or a psychological problem which is not entirely true. Groneman’s (1994) explains nymphomania as a condition found in those women whose “symptoms” include being a divorcee, seduction, flirting, adultery and feeling more passionate for sex than their husbands.

‘Decent’ women are not expected to reciprocate physical chemistry openly, rather men are supposed to skillfully and tactfully initiate desire and target it towards a woman until she feels the same. Even when she reciprocates desire for that man, it should only be subtle and suggestive as is depicted by the sayings ‘no means yes, she is playing hard to get.’ 

Times are changing. We now live in an age of open marriages, for example, Hollywood stars Will and Jada Pinkett Smith. Friendships with benefits are somewhat acceptable and some happily married couples even sleep in separate beds or bedrooms. 

Sex work (prostitution) has been legalized with groups like Pow Wow and Sexual Rights Centre advocating for their rights and some individuals have chosen to lead happy lives as single parents, for example, Africa’s richest man Aliko Dangote.

“Female sexuality in Zimbabwe is constructed in the context of a harsh economic environment” (Makombe, 2015). This implies that if and when Zimbabwe gets a working economy and most people are not in poverty female sexuality is likely to be constructed differently. 

We could get to a point where women do not have to rely on men. People could actually have sex and leave it at that. People may be able to express themselves sexually in or outside marriage with no party hurt in the process.

Social construction theory submits that sexuality is a construct therefore it can be reconstructed, getting rid of the patriarchal delusions we are currently living in. It is time for Zimbabwe to reconstitute sexuality in this time and space. Men and women alike have to be virtuous and adhere to sexual honesty or agree to a working model tailor-made for them.